Resumes and Interviews are stupid

Lately I have been getting some of these spam e-mails, that tell you what to write in your resume and what to say in your ob interview and got me thinking... I have seen books that tell you how to be an effective Human Resources Manager, what questions to ask, how to browse through hundreds of resumes and find the perfect fit for the company. At the same time I have seen other books telling you how to pass the resume keywords system (gasp!) and what to write, what not to write and how to respond to well known interview questions.

Do I smell a scheme there?This kinda reminds me the whole dating scheme and why it fails miserably. First dates are all about withholding bad info and sharing stuff that you are not remotely interested. "No I don't spend much time on my looks, this is how I look in the morning...", "No ,of course I don't like watching sports and play World of Warcraft!". Do you see where I am going with this?

In other words, if you wanna get the job, you better lie and read a lot of "new" advice of what to put on your resume and what not to say in an interview. New you will ask? Yes, some say do this and that, and after a year they say, this is so 90s and you shouldn't do it anymore. There is no way someone will know if you are good at what you do, from a piece of paper and 30 minutes of chit chat. But let's start from the beginning!

RESUME

 There are companies out there that will actually write your resume and cover letter for you... if you pay them a handsome fee. Which brings me to... If I wanted to work there, can I as them to write my resume? Jokes aside, resumes are ineffective because there is no way to see if someone is a fit for the job from a piece of paper as I already mentioned. Only thing it proves is if you did your research (is this another word for cheating?), if you used the keywords that the filter uses so your resume will actually get some priority number along with other 100 of them for someone to check it. If you are just a bit late and even if you have the best resume most likely someone that was faster than you will get the interview. Don't expect em to interview 100 people. Do you have an idea of how busy HR people are? Because I don't.

"Don't write down what you did in your previous job but rather your accomplishments". Really? People that start have a very limited set of responsibilities. Meaning room for creativity and accomplishments is very limited. If you work as a new salesman I doubt you can call an accomplishment something that other more experienced salesmen do every day. It might be an accomplishment for you but not to them. Also how can you actually check it if you work in HR? With all the hype about privacy I doubt anyone is willing to give someone info about you or your "accomplishments". Now don't get me wrong I am sure some people make a difference but the advice these books and sites give is for everyone not just them. 

Then they say do this, say that and so on but you only have two pages to do it. when I was making my resume I only had 5 years of experience and with my 2 degrees, seminars and info it took 2 pages to fit them all in. Someone with 15 years of experience will probably have a problem. Unless 15 years of experience (or what the HR wants) is one year of experience multiplied by 15. Meaning you learned how to do something in that one year and you kept doing the same for the next 15 years. I can barely call this 15 years of experience. For people like me that try to be creative and improve their skills its hard to fill just 2 pages.

So the solution to the resume problem? Case study. Tell me what you need to do and I will tell you how I would put my skills to good use to help you achieve your goals. I can say in my resume how I am creative and I can do this and that but unless you try me I can say whatever I want. It doesn't take a genius to think something like that. More stress to your HR department to read all these? I truly care.

INTERVIEW

 Ah the audition. This is how I call it. "Wear this and not that". This color means this and this tie means that. Come on people I am going for a job interview not to become a fashion model. "When you get in and the interviewer greets you give him a firm handshake". Have you ever tried this with someone that gives you a not so firm handshake? Exactly. If not you will probably find out soon enough. "Then sit in the chair this way and your hands should be there and not there". Do you know where people told other people how to sit and how to do this and that? 1940 in Germany. Shall I reach any conclusions about this?

Then the stupid rehearsed questions start. "Why you think you are a good fit for the company?", "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" (as an entrepreneur because I am tired of these bullshit), "What is your biggest weakness?"... "Oh I am so perfect and this causes me problems sometimes... makes people like you feel threatened". And many more. I rarely if ever heard someone ask about how you can help the company with a specific challenge they are facing. 

Then they tell you when they ask you if you have any questions it would be a HUGE mistake not to ask. But watch out HOW you will ask what you wanna ask. For example don't ask about vacations and money. Do these people think I want a job because I am a charity case? I want a job because since I have something to offer I expect to get something back too. I shall work for a month and then learn that I got 50% less than everyone else in my industry? No thank you. Show me the money and the benefits package now! Solution here? Same as before. Ask me what I can do in a specific challenge your company faces. Or how you can get publicity or whatever.

And to prove you how much interviews fail Warren Buffet failed his interview in Harvard and he wasn't accepted when he was young. Too bad that he became a billionaire right? Want some more that got rejected from jobs and became millionaires? There you have it:

• Steve Jobs was rejected from both Atari and Hewlett-Packard
• Decca Recording Co. rejected the Beetles
• Yahoo rejects Google
• Michael Jordan was rejected by his high school coach

Point being is you need to do things in a way that is not scripted. Google and Jobs offered something the other companies didn't see. Because they followed the standard procedure and protocol. Failing to see talent and skills, and only trying previous decade ways without innovating them and modernizing them will get you so far. You prefer someone telling you scripted rehearsed shit or speaking of his dreams and what he is passionate about?

Dumb Cosmopolitan advice (part 2)

After some research I could honestly make 10 parts about how dumb Cosmopolitan is but I will just concentrate on the most extreme. Before I continue some told me that once in a while the advice is good. Yes, sometimes it might is. But even a broken clock is right twice a day. So I can say 98% of the advice is bullshit. For example:

"Don't be fooled by a guy who offers up tons of minor bits of information about where he's been or what he's been doing. At first, it may seem that because he can describe so much, he must be truthful. But he could actually be trying to cover his ass. 'If he's telling a story and you notice he's peppering it with insignificant details, that's a warning sign,' says Driver. 'This is especially true if you detect a lot of pauses, because it means he's trying to come up with more facts.' "

Sooo... When we don't share much it bugs you... and when we do we are liars... Great advice. But there is more my little Pokemon friends...

 

"Yes, maybe he's just extrahorny or you're looking extrahot, but a sudden surge in his sexual appetite can also be a sign that some thing's awry. 'A man who's hiding something won't want to connect emotionally through conversation because he's afraid if he does, he'll spill the secret,' says Krista Bloom, PhD, a psychologist in Florida. 'Instead, because he loves you, he'll look to fill that void by connecting with you physically.' But since various things can cause a spike in a guy's sex drive -- like an awesome shift in your relationship sparked by, say, getting engaged -- don't accuse him of anything without ruling out other explanations." 

Not too much sex is wrong... Too much sex is wrong... I am confused... Also the fact that this lady has a PhD is strange... And then you say I am the one generalizing... I will give you an explanation about him wanting more sex all of a sudden... New underwear, his team won the championship, he got a new item in World of Warcraft or simply because... oh dear Lord... he loves you?? Ladies we are men... Not so much to analyze. We are simple creatures.

Can it? Judging from the women that write these articles their problem is having too little sex... And I continue with:

" 'The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,' says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he's being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he's more evasive."

My friend JZ might have something to say about this. I think there is this word... ah.. yes, PRIVACY???? Just because I date a girl it doesn't mean she has free access to all my life. Deal with it. Ever thought I might be a Superhero or an international spy? I am keeping you safe for keeping you away from that part of my life...

" 'If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,' Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: 'If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.' "

Wow... being happy is a sin in a relationship it seems... Keep believing these and then wonder why no one approaches you in a 1km radius. So you got into a relationship with a miserable guy, you didn't change his mood, yet when he becomes happy because of whatever it's a bad sign? Great logic... Go Cosmogirls!

You thought I left the covers alone? You don't seem to know me enough... Upper left. "Guys answer your sexiest sex qs". Sexiest sex...? Seriously? Overcompensating much from the lack of sex? And who are these guys? What are their qualifications? Say one of them is into feet, (no hard feelings) is his advice any good to the rest of the guys that have no such fetish? I think not!

"Naughty thoughts he has at work". First of... Why do you think I have different thoughts in work from the ones I have in the house? When I am at the office I think of big boobs while when I go to my house I think of perfect round butts? Seriously who thinks of these???

"What your Va-Jay-Jay is dying to tell you". Wanna know? "Stop reading bullshit magazines and go out and get laid before the sand becomes rock in your VJJ! I wont even comment on the VJJ thing.

"Go Naked". Now with that I agree. Keep this as an advice. No need to even browse the rest of the magazine. See? this was the 2% of solid advice.

So Dumb People Annoy Me blog gives you the answer to your main question of why you buy Cosmo:

Thank me later. I 'll wait...

Dumb Cosmopolitan advice (Part 1)

Women must be familiar with Cosmopolitan. Men that get laid must also be familiar with it. No matter where you look in a woman's house, you are bound to fall on it. Sometimes literally, since you can find a whole bunch of them... Weird thing is that women don't read it in the bathroom, like most men read their magazines but anyway.

So what is Cosmopolitan? Personally if I can sum it up.  

"Put a model on the cover, the words: Sex, sexy, tips all over the place and mostly useless advice to a target audience (women) that no matter what advice you give them they will still do what feels right to them. You know why? Because they are driven by emotion, not by logic. And this is how sex and love works (at least that's what my sources say!). And the advice they do follow is probably from some lady that hasn't seen a cock in the last decade... and I don't mean the bird".

By the way, did you see what I did there? I put the text on italics. It makes it look more serious... As you will find in magazines like that. Sounds important right? It isn't. Now I am sure you will tell me that I generalize and that Cosmo is a great magazine blah blah blah. OK let's start with the covers:

 Let's start from the upper left... 78 ways to turn him on! Seriously? Do you even know how men work? There are no 78 ways to turn us on. Take this example for size. Some times I hear women tell me how men ignore them when there are sports in the TV. Have you ever sit next to the TV with your boobs out? Or if it's the Superbowl and you have to be drastic... Go next to the TV and wear some Agent Provocateur underwear and start touching yourself. Pff... 78 ways... Stop buying the magazine... ask me instead. Also 78? This is where your think tank stopped? 

Lets move on...

"What men want at 9 p.m." A sandwich? A blowjob? Some time alone? World of Warcraft? Go home since I work overtime? Now some lady will come with some fake statistics and she will solve the mystery of what men want... at 9 p.m.. And if this article is successful expect to see the sequel. What men want at 9:30 p.m. ! When men say "women like or do this" we are sexist. But when some lady does it, it's OK!

"4 Fab New Vibrators"

Need I say more?

"The Sex Position They Lust For" This will probably some 2 page article when the answer is so easy... It's Doggy style. Can we move on?

"What he thinks when you're butt naked". I can easily prove that this is a bullshit article. Why? Because when you are naked we stop thinking. All the blood from our brain is in our dicks... Brain is on safe mode. OK? OK. Also how did they found out about what men think? Did some lady jumped out of nowhere when his girlfriend started undressing and started interviewing him?

"Read his dirty mind" If you read this you will probably leave us... So read a book... (And not the Twilight... I 'll get to you soon, don't think you got away). 

"9 times you won't burn in hell for being bitchy" If a men's magazine wrote an article that read "5 times you can be an asshole to her" the author would probably be labeled a misogynist and sexist. It's never OK to be an asshole or a bitch. Deal with it. That's why we have this thing called logic, so we can sit down and actually discuss our problems. It's called communication. Funny a magazine that targets female audience doesn't mention this anywhere.

"Tight abs" I don't know about other men but I prefer my girlfriend to be normal. I don't want a bodybuilder next to me. And even fitness freaks that can't indulge in chocolate. Don't get me wrong I don't want her to be 100 kg but normal. Some fat always exists. (We prefer it on your boobs if you wonder).

"She tricked a murderer into sparing her life" First off this is exploitation of a very serious issue that happened in some one's life. Last time I checked Cosmo isn't a newspaper so leave it at that. And finally a murderer isn't gonna be tricked if he wants to kill you. But since I haven't read the article I will leave it at this.

Not such a bad idea unless you want these to happen:

-She is a sore loser so you won't get it if she loses.

-She 'll beat you on the game... Beat by a girl? That doesn't help men's dick get hard. If you don't believe me try to have sex with them when their favorite team loses. (Unless he wants to have sex so he can rough it up on you...)

-I prefer to keep my worlds apart. Guy stuff I do with my guy friends. Romantic stuff with her. Leave it at it.

-Seriously who reads diaries? Or even better who writes em?

(To be continued)