Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Twilight sucks (part 1)

I tried so hard not to make an obvious post like this but I couldn't stand the stupidity of it any more. I also have to say that I saw the first one when it came out and I was awe'd at its stupidly unimaginative script. In case you got confused it's NOT a Vampire story. I have seen many Vampire stories and not once I have seen Vampires glow in the sun. That is not a Vampire. It's more like a transvestite than anything else. Also they feed in animal blood... seriously? Cold blood killers spare humans because they are moral... Oook... I don't know what the chick that wrote it was smoking but please share the crack pipe.
There are so many parts I wanna comment that seemed to me like the whole movie was written by people that 1) had never been laid before, 2) they are under 14, 3) they have never seen any kind of movie before, 4) their research was puny, 5) it targeted soccer moms and girls under 16. (I could reach number 100 but you get the point hopefully).

So what the movie is all about? A 100 plus year old Vampire falls in love with a 16 year old girl... So we already have out first paraphilia. Next obviously the Vampire is retarded because after 100 years falling in love with your food is a bit weird. Especially if the 16 year old girl as the book says is average. I bet that if you had his powers you 'd go after PlayBoy models or Victoria's Secret angels. But no. As my roommate told me, in the book while the writer (you 'll excuse my term writer), describes the Vampire as someone of extreme attractiveness, it never describes the girl's appearance. Meaning any girl can put herself in the heroine's shoes.
Honestly after this movie came out many people in Hollywood were pleased because if a movie like that became a hit their script will probably be made into an epic movie, but at the same time they were like what the fuck, when producers or agents reject their scripts and choose a movie like that to be produced... What can I say my fellow humans... I am with you...

I even lost my faith to imdb... Rating: 5.3 Were you high or something? So I continue with the review (which I have to confess since I haven't watched any other parts besides the first and half of the third movie... which I was blackmailed by a girl to see and I fell asleep halfway, most of the reviews are not mine but I took them from other sites discussing how dumb this movie was).

Every girl keeps saying how romantic this movie is... Am I the only one that finds this creepy:
Then after 100 years you are still doomed to be in highschool even if you look like you are 20+. I remember a girl we had in highschool that has stayed in the same grade for like 5 years. We used to look at her like a loser not a phenomenon... Times changed I guess... Then again as my roommate informed me the 2 words you find mostly in the book are: perfect and awesome... Brilliant writing if you ask me. It sometimes help to use a dictionary to find synonyms. Then we also have the werewolves where surprise, surprise they can transform any time they want not just in a full moon... So we can easily call them pokemons and not werewolves. 

Then we have a scene where the Vampires play baseball... What's the point in playing a game that has human rules when you have superpowers? Show off to Bella obviously... Next time I will take my food in a football game to impress it before I eat it... or in Twilight's version before I marry it and have sex with it. Speaking of marriage, it's funny how Natural Selection works. Since all women that like this abomination will always Edward to appear in their lives and they will obviously die alone, their stupid genes will get weeded out of the gene pool. Nice!
In the movies Bella almost dies a thousand times and the doggie and sparkles save her all the time... Seriously it's getting boring after the one hundredth time... Especially when in the first scene where a car is about to crash her (oh why it didn't?) Sparkles saves her in front of everyone... There goes the cover. Then again on the alley where let's be honest he was stalking her and he gets pissed because he can read minds... So now we don't only have ehem Vampire but X-man professor X powers?

Imagine also that while Bella is so plain and average everyone falls for her in the first 2 chapters (or so they tell me). That's weird a bit? The only part I liked it the anti-feminism message Bella sends that the man should be a man and woman should be a woman... Of course again she took it to the extreme where Sparkles and Doggie are super humans and Bella is almost useless to do anything by herself... Not to mention the parental thing where her father doesn't really give a crap about what she does... 

 More on part 2...