Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Twilight sucks (part 2)

So what was this movie about again?

Ah yes. Some of the many paraphilias of those wonderful books. Which we reach the conclusion that the woman that wrote it (Again mentioning her gives her credit and I don't wanna do that, I am evil like that) is clearly against the environment because all the paper that got used to have the books printed could have been used in more useful ways. Like toilet paper for example... Which is an expensive way to actually use the books in case someone offers it to you as a gift. Again I have to inquire the kind of person you are so that your friends will think that you will enjoy those books... On the other hand it's a great practical joke for a party! "Hey bro look what I got you! The books you asked me to buy you!". Epic win to humiliate someone!

Again I always thought that Vampires had some logical fails concerning their myth... And here is one of these:
Blame Google image properties for the size of the image... 

So anyway this was a great scene. I honestly thought I was watching a comedy or a parody. What kind of romantic plot includes a guy and a girl sitting next to each other and the guy is covering his nose because the girl's blood smell is too much for the Vampire... And ok let's go with it... After this scene is over suddenly her smell doesn't bother him? Not to mention, to the girl, having a guy covering his nose because she supposedly smells bad is a reason to fall for him... Next time I will go to a club I 'll sit next to an attractive girl and repeat the same scene... Chances are I won't be able to write this blog for some time, since the girl will probably attack me for making fun of her. 

A more realistic version of the same scene...

Again as my roommate tells me, every 2 pages in the books we have the same description of Sparkle's body and some chapter's later Doggie's body. More or less I think the whole story could have been fitted in a 4 pages booklet but that's just me... Guess what word we never hear in a Vampire story? Fangs... Exactly,  friggin books with Vampires (again supposedly) and we never get a description of their fangs. Which kinda makes you wonder how someone that has no idea about the legend knows how Vampires drink blood...

On the other hand don't get me wrong. If you think I hate Twilight, the guy that hates it the most (but her he got paid at least to be a part of it) is... *drumroll* Rob Pattinson and this is pretty obvious from all his interviews. For example:

 So Sparkles = Lame, Pattinson = Cool. Just to clear up things. 
If you make a search you will see how much he hates it! We know we do!

One of the problems for me mocking Twilight is that it's too easy to do so. The plot (Which honestly doesn't exist) has holes all over it, the characters are at best childish and have zero development, the writing style is that of a child with dyslexia and bipolar disorder along with narcissistic disorder and if you liked it you have issues. In case you do wanna write something more successful than Twilight I have a way for you to do that:

I always want to inspire with my posts so there you have it. How to write something that will become a movie and millions of soccer moms and underage girls will love... Now if the plot was a bit better who knows it might had a chance, for example:
 Still a better plot that the one in the books. "Twilight the quest of the Sparkling creatures". Since we couldn't find a name for these creatures we had our science and research department look for a name for these "creatures" but here is the result:

Even Stephen King in an interview said that the Twilight author couldn't write a word worth a darn. So if you have her books here is what to do with them... I am done!