Twilight sucks (part 1)

I tried so hard not to make an obvious post like this but I couldn't stand the stupidity of it any more. I also have to say that I saw the first one when it came out and I was awe'd at its stupidly unimaginative script. In case you got confused it's NOT a Vampire story. I have seen many Vampire stories and not once I have seen Vampires glow in the sun. That is not a Vampire. It's more like a transvestite than anything else. Also they feed in animal blood... seriously? Cold blood killers spare humans because they are moral... Oook... I don't know what the chick that wrote it was smoking but please share the crack pipe.

There are so many parts I wanna comment that seemed to me like the whole movie was written by people that 1) had never been laid before, 2) they are under 14, 3) they have never seen any kind of movie before, 4) their research was puny, 5) it targeted soccer moms and girls under 16. (I could reach number 100 but you get the point hopefully).

So what the movie is all about? A 100 plus year old Vampire falls in love with a 16 year old girl... So we already have out first paraphilia. Next obviously the Vampire is retarded because after 100 years falling in love with your food is a bit weird. Especially if the 16 year old girl as the book says is average. I bet that if you had his powers you 'd go after PlayBoy models or Victoria's Secret angels. But no. As my roommate told me, in the book while the writer (you 'll excuse my term writer), describes the Vampire as someone of extreme attractiveness, it never describes the girl's appearance. Meaning any girl can put herself in the heroine's shoes.

Honestly after this movie came out many people in Hollywood were pleased because if a movie like that became a hit their script will probably be made into an epic movie, but at the same time they were like what the fuck, when producers or agents reject their scripts and choose a movie like that to be produced... What can I say my fellow humans... I am with you...

I even lost my faith to imdb... Rating: 5.3 Were you high or something? So I continue with the review (which I have to confess since I haven't watched any other parts besides the first and half of the third movie... which I was blackmailed by a girl to see and I fell asleep halfway, most of the reviews are not mine but I took them from other sites discussing how dumb this movie was).

Every girl keeps saying how romantic this movie is... Am I the only one that finds this creepy:

Then after 100 years you are still doomed to be in highschool even if you look like you are 20+. I remember a girl we had in highschool that has stayed in the same grade for like 5 years. We used to look at her like a loser not a phenomenon... Times changed I guess... Then again as my roommate informed me the 2 words you find mostly in the book are: perfect and awesome... Brilliant writing if you ask me. It sometimes help to use a dictionary to find synonyms. Then we also have the werewolves where surprise, surprise they can transform any time they want not just in a full moon... So we can easily call them pokemons and not werewolves. 

Then we have a scene where the Vampires play baseball... What's the point in playing a game that has human rules when you have superpowers? Show off to Bella obviously... Next time I will take my food in a football game to impress it before I eat it... or in Twilight's version before I marry it and have sex with it. Speaking of marriage, it's funny how Natural Selection works. Since all women that like this abomination will always Edward to appear in their lives and they will obviously die alone, their stupid genes will get weeded out of the gene pool. Nice!

In the movies Bella almost dies a thousand times and the doggie and sparkles save her all the time... Seriously it's getting boring after the one hundredth time... Especially when in the first scene where a car is about to crash her (oh why it didn't?) Sparkles saves her in front of everyone... There goes the cover. Then again on the alley where let's be honest he was stalking her and he gets pissed because he can read minds... So now we don't only have ehem Vampire but X-man professor X powers?

Imagine also that while Bella is so plain and average everyone falls for her in the first 2 chapters (or so they tell me). That's weird a bit? The only part I liked it the anti-feminism message Bella sends that the man should be a man and woman should be a woman... Of course again she took it to the extreme where Sparkles and Doggie are super humans and Bella is almost useless to do anything by herself... Not to mention the parental thing where her father doesn't really give a crap about what she does... 

 More on part 2...

Chain stupid e-mails

Dear Lord, from the moment internet became popular so these stupid chain e-mails. After a bit they became comments and then videos and then they are everywhere like the plague! And people actually believe them! And then they send them again and again! I will show you the most popular chain letters I have researched.

SAVE A CHILD

I love this one. The chain e-mail about the child that has no legs, hands, eyes or whatever.Lives in the far land of Bankistanistorloughstanand every time YOU send this magical chain e-mail to as many people as you can he/she gets a dollar! 

In case you have no idea about how the interwebz works... you can't check how many times this e-mail has bounced since it follows a pyramid pattern. Meaning one person sends it to 40 people and these 40 send it to another 40 and so on. This means that the imaginary sick child won't get any dollars this week. If you feel you want to help you need to reach in your pocket, get off your ass and donate some money to people that need em. Sometimes in the end of the e-mail it says that this helps your karma... Right...

MAKE A WISH

This one is for those that think that their PC is a magic lamp and if you do certain stuff their wish will come true. The e-mail says to make a wish and if you send it to 40 people in the next 23 hours 41 minutes and 23 seconds your wish will come true. And if you don't, an evil pokemon will appear and eat your cat...

Do I even have to explain why anyone that believes this is stupid? If you believe in stuff like that then if you also rub a guy's "magic lamp" then make a wish because the Jinn will come out... sometimes faster than you can make a wish... Premature wishful thinking I guess?

THE CURSED ONES

These most of the time have no subject and all they want you to do is send them to as many friends as you can. The twist is that they are "cursed"and if you read even 3-4 words you need to keep reading them or something horrible will happen to you! These are often posted in youtube or facebook as comments that you need to repost. What's funny about these are that they even have proof! For example, someone that didn't send it or deleted it woke up with no hair on their teeth! Or someone ended up waking up in Sahara desert...  Don't laugh I have recieved way too many of these because I am sure people actually believe these... If you read it on the internet it must be true right?

CHINESE SOMETHING

This is a new one I keep receiving lately. It says more or less that you can't buy some stuff with money and also that this has traveled around the world... wait for it... not once, not twice... but 8 times! And you know how hard this is with e-mails! I am impressed already, but wait it gets better. This CHINESE e-mail has its origin from where else? Exactly! Holland!

 It continues by saying to send it, NOT MONEY, (send money to me instead o it) and don't keep it for more than 96 hours. Luck travels with the internet stupid! That's why we are so lucky nowadays I guess?This message has been send from some dude from South Africa... Wait I thought the chinese mail was from Holland, not South Africa... I am confused... Also if you do this luck will arrive in 4 days... I guess it needs lot's of bandwidth to download... And then it goes on on how some people got their luck and some didn't. Everything with proof of course... Like everything else on the internet!

THE REAL OLD ONE

 This chain e-mail was first send back in the 1920s... We might not have internet back then but if the internet says so, who am I to say I don't believe it?

Bottom line, there are many variations of these stupid e-mails. I don't care for them so stop sending them to me. If they were true I would have lost my mother 5 times now, lost 3 of my legs, I would be blind, go to hell 13 times, got eaten by angry pokemons 10 times and so on.

Why all these chain e-mails? Gullibility, stupidity or e-mail mining from smart marketers that want to bombard you with spam. When these get send 5 times and each mail has 20 contacts it's around 100+ e-mails. Wonder why you get so much spam? That's why.

If you read my blog you will have lot's of luck and money. If not I will send you care bears to eat your brains. 

Christmas song and letters!

It's Christmas and dumb people are all over the place as usual. But for this post let's forget about them and sing some songs and laugh at some letters sent to Santa by kids (I hope)!

For starters we have Jeff Dunham and Achmed the Dead Terrorist singing Jingle bombs. This video was shown to me by a friend that was piss drunk yesterday... He actually picked up Mike (my hamster) threw it down (you bastard!) and yelled "Pikachu, I Summon you!". And then he told me to see this video. Relevance? None but still I should have recorded the whole thing for proof... 

Of course, today when I told him how cool the video he showed me was didn't remember a thing. Not even the video...So for you religious people I call this my Christmas miracle.

So now let's read some letters sent to Santa. I already got you in the mood with the Christmas song sooooo...

 

Damn it I didn't know he could do that... Can I ask for a big fat account too? 

Tommy what do you want a Lady Gaga doll for? Oh... never mind... Kids are getting a little feisty nowadays...

Rudolph Rest in Pieces...?

 So what is a Blumpkin?

 Santa I think you need to get a Twitter, a cell phone, a facebook account, a Google plus account and create an app to sort all the kid's letters. Now stop reading this and text the kid's dad for the list!

 No idea why he wrote a letter to Santa about the flight but hey, don't screw the landing Santa!

Hehe, 8 months and already literate... at least more than most people I know... in work...

And finally a letter that my cat wrote. 

 So Merry Christmas everyone. Have fun and enjoy life!

Failbook (Part 1)

I used to have a facebook page... and then I grew up and filled any insecurity holes I had. Because let's face it, this constant quest for approval, self hate and love, making people see how lucky or well unlucky you are, seeking envy and compassion, trying to find a date in a secure(?) environment for both men and women for different reasons and many more, has its roots in stupidity and insecurity.

But let's analyze things with my flawless logic and common sense which nowadays tends to be a super power:

• Why else would you start posting in your facebook page "Wow I had so much fun today.", "This chick was all over me", "All men love me and I can walk all over them" and so on. I call that insecurity. Especially when I know 9 out of 10 times the person that writes it, lies, is on the verge of depression, hasn't had sex since the last Olympic Games and tries to show the world how great his/her life is before he/she starts crying on his/her empty bed.
• Women (mostly) that change their relationship status faster than the speed of light. I swear I used to know girls that were single/in a relationship/complicated/engaged/divorced is a matter of few hours... Seriously? First off I don't care. I don't care if you are in a relationship, you fucked 2 more guys and it became well... complicated and then your boyfriend asked you to forgive him for...  whatever he did to displease your royal vagina so you were forced to have a threesome with his boss and his best friend. And when you didn't forgive the "asshole" (he was a bad person after all... he couldn't talk to you about your period while he was in a meeting in his job, so he deserved it) for cheating on you, because that's what you ll tell your girlfriends to sympathize with you, you end up being married with one of your female friends. At least that gives us some "material" for the night... And speaking of material:
• Facebook porn. Well not yet, but softcore is as close to it as it can get. I don't know if you have looked at the pic posts on facebook (who do we both kid right?) but the pics especially in summer time compete against softcore porn websites and eventually win because of the homemade/amateur element. Now don't get me wrong I enjoy the eye candy but when it goes from this:

        to this:

• then its sick and obvious that facebook has other ehm... "hidden" uses. And don't tell me these girls didn't give permission for the pics etc. When you upload something on the web you automatically give permission to everyone to use it. I especially enjoy women in relationships that upload pics like that and then bitch about how people don't respect her relationship for making comments like: "wow nice boobs/ass babe", "your bf is so lucky but if you break up I am here" (can you be more desperate?), "smokin bod", "Take the top/bottom up" and many cute comments like these. You don't respect your own relationship and you expect others to do so? As for their boyfriends... Seriously bro a leash sounds like a good idea when she acts like that. Or some spanking but hell she ll probably enjoy it. And of course this last example is possible because of:
• Girls with 12 profiles that each have 5000 friends. I can't remember my facial expression when a girl I met asked me to add her on fb and see told me to search her with the letter c in the end... I of course searched without it only to find she had 3 profiles. the first two with 4989 friend each and the second was on the 4000. I don't have to say I didn't add her. Now that I remembered my expression must have been like this:

So to go back to my previous example, with girls in a relationships that add so many people that they can't filter who can post in their semi nude pics... I can't feel sorry for you, but I can laugh and delete you.