Dumb Cosmopolitan advice (Part 1)

Women must be familiar with Cosmopolitan. Men that get laid must also be familiar with it. No matter where you look in a woman's house, you are bound to fall on it. Sometimes literally, since you can find a whole bunch of them... Weird thing is that women don't read it in the bathroom, like most men read their magazines but anyway.

So what is Cosmopolitan? Personally if I can sum it up.  

"Put a model on the cover, the words: Sex, sexy, tips all over the place and mostly useless advice to a target audience (women) that no matter what advice you give them they will still do what feels right to them. You know why? Because they are driven by emotion, not by logic. And this is how sex and love works (at least that's what my sources say!). And the advice they do follow is probably from some lady that hasn't seen a cock in the last decade... and I don't mean the bird".

By the way, did you see what I did there? I put the text on italics. It makes it look more serious... As you will find in magazines like that. Sounds important right? It isn't. Now I am sure you will tell me that I generalize and that Cosmo is a great magazine blah blah blah. OK let's start with the covers:

 Let's start from the upper left... 78 ways to turn him on! Seriously? Do you even know how men work? There are no 78 ways to turn us on. Take this example for size. Some times I hear women tell me how men ignore them when there are sports in the TV. Have you ever sit next to the TV with your boobs out? Or if it's the Superbowl and you have to be drastic... Go next to the TV and wear some Agent Provocateur underwear and start touching yourself. Pff... 78 ways... Stop buying the magazine... ask me instead. Also 78? This is where your think tank stopped? 

Lets move on...

"What men want at 9 p.m." A sandwich? A blowjob? Some time alone? World of Warcraft? Go home since I work overtime? Now some lady will come with some fake statistics and she will solve the mystery of what men want... at 9 p.m.. And if this article is successful expect to see the sequel. What men want at 9:30 p.m. ! When men say "women like or do this" we are sexist. But when some lady does it, it's OK!

"4 Fab New Vibrators"

Need I say more?

"The Sex Position They Lust For" This will probably some 2 page article when the answer is so easy... It's Doggy style. Can we move on?

"What he thinks when you're butt naked". I can easily prove that this is a bullshit article. Why? Because when you are naked we stop thinking. All the blood from our brain is in our dicks... Brain is on safe mode. OK? OK. Also how did they found out about what men think? Did some lady jumped out of nowhere when his girlfriend started undressing and started interviewing him?

"Read his dirty mind" If you read this you will probably leave us... So read a book... (And not the Twilight... I 'll get to you soon, don't think you got away). 

"9 times you won't burn in hell for being bitchy" If a men's magazine wrote an article that read "5 times you can be an asshole to her" the author would probably be labeled a misogynist and sexist. It's never OK to be an asshole or a bitch. Deal with it. That's why we have this thing called logic, so we can sit down and actually discuss our problems. It's called communication. Funny a magazine that targets female audience doesn't mention this anywhere.

"Tight abs" I don't know about other men but I prefer my girlfriend to be normal. I don't want a bodybuilder next to me. And even fitness freaks that can't indulge in chocolate. Don't get me wrong I don't want her to be 100 kg but normal. Some fat always exists. (We prefer it on your boobs if you wonder).

"She tricked a murderer into sparing her life" First off this is exploitation of a very serious issue that happened in some one's life. Last time I checked Cosmo isn't a newspaper so leave it at that. And finally a murderer isn't gonna be tricked if he wants to kill you. But since I haven't read the article I will leave it at this.

Not such a bad idea unless you want these to happen:

-She is a sore loser so you won't get it if she loses.

-She 'll beat you on the game... Beat by a girl? That doesn't help men's dick get hard. If you don't believe me try to have sex with them when their favorite team loses. (Unless he wants to have sex so he can rough it up on you...)

-I prefer to keep my worlds apart. Guy stuff I do with my guy friends. Romantic stuff with her. Leave it at it.

-Seriously who reads diaries? Or even better who writes em?

(To be continued)

Types of guys that don't get laid

Dumb people are all around us. We have already established that. But there are categories of dumb people. First off there are men and women. Stating the obvious is always fun! Now the men... When it comes to relationships and flirting and whatever they have gotten so brainwashed from TV that they think this is possible:

Sorry to break it to you bro but... it isn't. So men thought that they found the solution! Infiltrate enemy territory, get them to trust you and strike!... at some point... when she will be ehm... I don't know we 'll see. Now personally I don't give a damn. More women for the rest of us. But dudes you are feeding them with false info on what men really are. 

So me and my friends have categorized these... men into the following species:

THE CABBY:

Come on don't tell me you haven't seen those? Look at every table, bar stool when you are at a club or wherever and you will spot em at once: For every four women there will be at least one man. Why? Because he is their... wait for it... DRIVER! Now variations do apply. For example the sports car owner with just one seat, or if two of the girls live in different parts of town there will be two drivers and so on. Now if you see 3 men for 4 girls that's just wrong...

So who are these men. These men go out with women and drive them around and they feel good about themselves when they tell this to other people "Dude I was out with 4 chicks yesterday, I had a great time! One of them also kept hugging me and dancing with me". Now to a man that has an idea about women that comment would have made him drop on the floor, and start laughing. But what he didn't tell you is that when he got home he pet'd the big Cahuna and then slept with a tear in his eyes... 

So how dumb can you be? A girl will probably call you and tell you to go out with them when you have a car. We all know this. I had friends that no women would speak to them... up to the point they got a car. And then one of those women got bored of having to share him so he got into a relationship with him. But she tends to be the least attractive of the group or... the girl that lives further away from the rest. At least when you are out have fun. Don't sit in the corner while they are having fun. Bring your buddies or flirt with other women. Or even with the girls that are with you.

Solution? Next time they call you to "have fun". Do something else. You didn't stand a chance anyway. You should have made a move the second time you got out with them.

THE GOODNIGHTER:

I kinda feel bad for these men. They are dumb but they are also dreamers... They are the men that will go out with a girl and they hope or think that the girl will magically fall for them if they (men) be proper gentlemen or good guys. But as we all know good guys finish last. And so what happens is that these men become good friend with the girl and they go out and have a good time and when they reach the end of the "date" the girl leans and gives him the kiss of death (on the cheek) and says the dreaded word... "Goodnight". If he is lucky he ll get two kisses! 

How to spot em? Look everywhere you go for men and women hanging out but they don't kiss or express any feelings. The girl might have nothing better to do that night and she thought it's better to go out with him (especially since he always pays) and check some guys out rather than stay home today.

Solution? Stop being a good guy and learn a thing or two about women from your friends that actually get laid. Stop being the easy solution to every girl's whim.

THE CARE BEAR:

This man is the best thing that can happen to a woman. Boyfriends might leave her, abuse her and so on, but not this guy. This is the best friend, the buddy, the guy that knows all her secrets. Difference is that he never gets laid. He is the guy that has heard so many times "I see you as a friend" that he has actually believed that this is a good thing. "Someday I ll get her", this is his motto. He is the guy that the girl will tell him about her new crush, how great the sex was, how he abused her, how crushed she is when the other guys cheated on her and then dumbed her for the less attractive girl... 

His response to all that is trying to make her see how different he is, and how good he 'd treat her but to no avail. Maybe he should grab a pair and see that the girl is just attracted to assholes. And how you can attract her? That's a secret... He still can't figure it or he just says "I don't want to be an asshole to get her, I want her to love me for who I am". Don't lose hope though. When no other man will be attracted to her and when she ll be vulnerable he ll probably do what all women do. Go for the safe guy that she knows can't hurt her.

Hey if you don't mind being the last choice of a girl who am I to burst your bubble?

THE PROVIDER/I MISS YOU GUY:

This guy is more or less like the last one but he has a great addition for the girl he is after. Money, gifts and probably a car. So this guy is in relationship mode thinking he ll buy the girl's attention with all the gifts he gives her and with his expensive dinners, taking her for vacations (where she probably hooks up with a random guy leaving him alone for the rest of the days).

My advice? Would you give all these to a random stranger or a guy? Why would you do this with a girl? In this life like everything else thing/favors//etc are earned. Stop wasting your money and energy. As they say what's the difference between a prostitute and your "girlfriend"? Your girlfriend is more expensive. So imagine if she isn't your girlfriend...

This guy also has another side to him. Since he is already in relationship mode he 'll call the girl or send sms/texts etc in the middle of the night and tell her "I miss you". And he waits for her to respond but she probably is having sex at that time so she never does... 

THE FACEBOOK GUY:

If you use facebook you surely know this guy. He knows everything about all the girls he has on his friend list. When they talk about something he thinks to himself "I already know that, I read it on your facebook". He has many pictures of the girls in folders and he posts in all of the girls the same thing: "WOW YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL! YOU ARE AN ANGEL!", and so on. He 'll even steal the girl's password to "protect" her from her boyfriend, other guys that like her, her bitchy friends etc. He will also message all the girls he knows with the same thing till someone answers him. He is the guy that when he meets you in real life won't ask your number but your facebook. Stay away.

Our advice, get a life and a therapist. You will never get laid.