Dumb Cosmopolitan advice (part 2)

After some research I could honestly make 10 parts about how dumb Cosmopolitan is but I will just concentrate on the most extreme. Before I continue some told me that once in a while the advice is good. Yes, sometimes it might is. But even a broken clock is right twice a day. So I can say 98% of the advice is bullshit. For example:

"Don't be fooled by a guy who offers up tons of minor bits of information about where he's been or what he's been doing. At first, it may seem that because he can describe so much, he must be truthful. But he could actually be trying to cover his ass. 'If he's telling a story and you notice he's peppering it with insignificant details, that's a warning sign,' says Driver. 'This is especially true if you detect a lot of pauses, because it means he's trying to come up with more facts.' "

Sooo... When we don't share much it bugs you... and when we do we are liars... Great advice. But there is more my little Pokemon friends...

 

"Yes, maybe he's just extrahorny or you're looking extrahot, but a sudden surge in his sexual appetite can also be a sign that some thing's awry. 'A man who's hiding something won't want to connect emotionally through conversation because he's afraid if he does, he'll spill the secret,' says Krista Bloom, PhD, a psychologist in Florida. 'Instead, because he loves you, he'll look to fill that void by connecting with you physically.' But since various things can cause a spike in a guy's sex drive -- like an awesome shift in your relationship sparked by, say, getting engaged -- don't accuse him of anything without ruling out other explanations." 

Not too much sex is wrong... Too much sex is wrong... I am confused... Also the fact that this lady has a PhD is strange... And then you say I am the one generalizing... I will give you an explanation about him wanting more sex all of a sudden... New underwear, his team won the championship, he got a new item in World of Warcraft or simply because... oh dear Lord... he loves you?? Ladies we are men... Not so much to analyze. We are simple creatures.

Can it? Judging from the women that write these articles their problem is having too little sex... And I continue with:

" 'The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,' says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he's being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he's more evasive."

My friend JZ might have something to say about this. I think there is this word... ah.. yes, PRIVACY???? Just because I date a girl it doesn't mean she has free access to all my life. Deal with it. Ever thought I might be a Superhero or an international spy? I am keeping you safe for keeping you away from that part of my life...

" 'If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,' Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: 'If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.' "

Wow... being happy is a sin in a relationship it seems... Keep believing these and then wonder why no one approaches you in a 1km radius. So you got into a relationship with a miserable guy, you didn't change his mood, yet when he becomes happy because of whatever it's a bad sign? Great logic... Go Cosmogirls!

You thought I left the covers alone? You don't seem to know me enough... Upper left. "Guys answer your sexiest sex qs". Sexiest sex...? Seriously? Overcompensating much from the lack of sex? And who are these guys? What are their qualifications? Say one of them is into feet, (no hard feelings) is his advice any good to the rest of the guys that have no such fetish? I think not!

"Naughty thoughts he has at work". First of... Why do you think I have different thoughts in work from the ones I have in the house? When I am at the office I think of big boobs while when I go to my house I think of perfect round butts? Seriously who thinks of these???

"What your Va-Jay-Jay is dying to tell you". Wanna know? "Stop reading bullshit magazines and go out and get laid before the sand becomes rock in your VJJ! I wont even comment on the VJJ thing.

"Go Naked". Now with that I agree. Keep this as an advice. No need to even browse the rest of the magazine. See? this was the 2% of solid advice.

So Dumb People Annoy Me blog gives you the answer to your main question of why you buy Cosmo:

Thank me later. I 'll wait...

Dumb Cosmopolitan advice (Part 1)

Women must be familiar with Cosmopolitan. Men that get laid must also be familiar with it. No matter where you look in a woman's house, you are bound to fall on it. Sometimes literally, since you can find a whole bunch of them... Weird thing is that women don't read it in the bathroom, like most men read their magazines but anyway.

So what is Cosmopolitan? Personally if I can sum it up.  

"Put a model on the cover, the words: Sex, sexy, tips all over the place and mostly useless advice to a target audience (women) that no matter what advice you give them they will still do what feels right to them. You know why? Because they are driven by emotion, not by logic. And this is how sex and love works (at least that's what my sources say!). And the advice they do follow is probably from some lady that hasn't seen a cock in the last decade... and I don't mean the bird".

By the way, did you see what I did there? I put the text on italics. It makes it look more serious... As you will find in magazines like that. Sounds important right? It isn't. Now I am sure you will tell me that I generalize and that Cosmo is a great magazine blah blah blah. OK let's start with the covers:

 Let's start from the upper left... 78 ways to turn him on! Seriously? Do you even know how men work? There are no 78 ways to turn us on. Take this example for size. Some times I hear women tell me how men ignore them when there are sports in the TV. Have you ever sit next to the TV with your boobs out? Or if it's the Superbowl and you have to be drastic... Go next to the TV and wear some Agent Provocateur underwear and start touching yourself. Pff... 78 ways... Stop buying the magazine... ask me instead. Also 78? This is where your think tank stopped? 

Lets move on...

"What men want at 9 p.m." A sandwich? A blowjob? Some time alone? World of Warcraft? Go home since I work overtime? Now some lady will come with some fake statistics and she will solve the mystery of what men want... at 9 p.m.. And if this article is successful expect to see the sequel. What men want at 9:30 p.m. ! When men say "women like or do this" we are sexist. But when some lady does it, it's OK!

"4 Fab New Vibrators"

Need I say more?

"The Sex Position They Lust For" This will probably some 2 page article when the answer is so easy... It's Doggy style. Can we move on?

"What he thinks when you're butt naked". I can easily prove that this is a bullshit article. Why? Because when you are naked we stop thinking. All the blood from our brain is in our dicks... Brain is on safe mode. OK? OK. Also how did they found out about what men think? Did some lady jumped out of nowhere when his girlfriend started undressing and started interviewing him?

"Read his dirty mind" If you read this you will probably leave us... So read a book... (And not the Twilight... I 'll get to you soon, don't think you got away). 

"9 times you won't burn in hell for being bitchy" If a men's magazine wrote an article that read "5 times you can be an asshole to her" the author would probably be labeled a misogynist and sexist. It's never OK to be an asshole or a bitch. Deal with it. That's why we have this thing called logic, so we can sit down and actually discuss our problems. It's called communication. Funny a magazine that targets female audience doesn't mention this anywhere.

"Tight abs" I don't know about other men but I prefer my girlfriend to be normal. I don't want a bodybuilder next to me. And even fitness freaks that can't indulge in chocolate. Don't get me wrong I don't want her to be 100 kg but normal. Some fat always exists. (We prefer it on your boobs if you wonder).

"She tricked a murderer into sparing her life" First off this is exploitation of a very serious issue that happened in some one's life. Last time I checked Cosmo isn't a newspaper so leave it at that. And finally a murderer isn't gonna be tricked if he wants to kill you. But since I haven't read the article I will leave it at this.

Not such a bad idea unless you want these to happen:

-She is a sore loser so you won't get it if she loses.

-She 'll beat you on the game... Beat by a girl? That doesn't help men's dick get hard. If you don't believe me try to have sex with them when their favorite team loses. (Unless he wants to have sex so he can rough it up on you...)

-I prefer to keep my worlds apart. Guy stuff I do with my guy friends. Romantic stuff with her. Leave it at it.

-Seriously who reads diaries? Or even better who writes em?

(To be continued)