Funny iphone messages (part 1)

I always say that when you do something stupid, at least don't leave evidence behind. Meaning if you are a bit not sure about your intelligence, stay away from cameras, mobile phones etc... Anything you do or say can and will be used against you... I am sure some of you after a party you can't sleep just because you don't remember what you did last night and there were cameras flashing all over the place... So you don't want to be tagged in some facebook photo trying to kiss a 60 year old woman...

Have no fear. Apple made it possible to take screenshots of your phone! This combined with the HIGHLY (ehem...) sophisticated auto correct... equals lots of win (and fail for those involved). But I know most of you will say that I blame technology for our mistakes. And you are of course right. I will also post some messages that even blaming the auto correct function won't save them face... So here goes!

I really hope this wasn't intended as a phone interview because you just fucked up... On another note you might make some money from suing Apple... Who knows!

Well one way or another... you need to get your protein right?

No idea if I should laugh or be disgusted..?

I 'd probably perform Harakiri after this...

Whoever send this, I only have one word for you... Respect!

Hey bro... every day it's vagina day... for more reasons than one... But you can't get a vacation all the time!

Don't you just hate it when you have a bad case of the manboobs especially on Monday?

You started it! Although I don't get why fucking her brother is worse than fucking the other girls boyfriend... I don't get women... Hell they don't get themselves most of the time...

Iphone is retarded...

Imagine the phone finds more likely to use the words crack pipe instead of Creme pie...

And they call me cocky...

More tomorrow!

Men's Logic

Honestly, being a man myself I have trouble understanding other men when it comes to women... Women on the other hand will probably relate to this post. Normally I had something else in mind to post today but I was out with some friends yesterday and the discussion shifted to the men and women topic. So I will list several things that women and I don't get about men.

• You are out on a club, lounge, etc. and you notice a girl you like. And you start looking at her and she notices, so she starts checking you out too. The seconds become minutes and the minutes become hours... And you never approach. Why the fuck are you looking at then? Just to let her know you have no balls to approach her?

• Even worse in the above scenario, you don't just look at her, but her friends too. Trying to up your chances? You think women never tell their friends that "this cute guy is checking me out!"? Think again. Stick to the girl you want AND the one you WILL approach.
• Some guy might say I don't mind approaching her. And it's true. There are guys that will approach the girl... And 15 other girls the same night... And they think the girls don't notice... 
• So our guy approaches the girl, leans over and he gives the punch line... "Hey babe, you look so hot, I wanna take you home". The girl looks at you and she gives you the cold shoulder. And you wonder why she rejected you while you call her, in your head a stuck up bitch. How many girls have gone home with you with that pick up line honestly? And why you keep saying it I 'll never understand... And neither will they...
• In a more general note, men want the girl to like them for who they really are... I have two objections with that. First almost no one shows who they really are, especially on the first dates. Second who are you? Why are you different than the last 100 guys she met? And on a more realistic scenario... Would you like her if she was 100 kg? Why would she like you? Men get all stuck up when they say "The man is the leader". Well Mr leader where is your power? or your money? Even with your logic you can't win. Just because you have a pair doesn't make you any different than the rest with the same pair. 
• "Women only care about money". I care about money too. Hell everyone I know cares about money too. Money in today's society tend to show the value of a man. Like in the ancient times, when the strongest hunter would get the best girls and so on. You are the one complaining about how men are underrated today. From personal experience just to get laid you don't need money. On the other hand for relationships it is important. How do you expect a woman to trust you with her life and her future baby's life when you still stay at your mom's basement and you work at some no tomorrow job?
  And ok sometimes this happens:

 

• Boasting about your sexual prowess to a woman is just dumb. Imagine how many before you have done it and how many times she was disappointed. So less talk more action. In theory everyone is Casanova. In actions they are Easter Bunnies.
• You approach a woman and she has green eyes. Or great legs or whatever. And you compliment the most obvious part of her body. Compliments are ok to break the ice but dude be more creative. The last 10 guys that approached her told her the same thing you did. What makes you more special?
• Opening the eX-Files... Seriously that's the best you can come up with, on a date? Bitch about your ex to the girl you want to become your girlfriend?
• Getting to know each other is great but at least make your life a bit interesting before you talk about it. Playing Fifa, PES and World of Warcraft and doing nothing else is not gonna make her say: "wow I want to be part of his life". Unless she plays at least one of those herself and looks like this:

• Women are (most of the time) masters on style. Dressing casually all the time while she wears an amazing red dress is something she will complain about, at least to her friends. Get her with you and let her choose some clothes for you. Go on GQ and fashion magazines and get some ideas.
• Asking a woman to a date will show who you are. It boggles my mind how many men ask a woman to a date and they then say "ok where do you wanna go? what do you wanna do?". Hey dumbass you asked her out, plan for it. Women want men that lead not submissive little boys.
• Remember when you had a life and friends before you met her? She still wants you to have your life. Don't leech on her 24/7. You become clingy and insecure.
• Sex isn't a two and a half job. Next time you do it try something for a change. Like actually pleasuring her before you crack a nut. I love it when I become radical! Sex needs imagination. Use it. If not someone else will take your place and then you will complain "she was a slut for cheating on me".
• Be romantic. Most of the girls I talk to they haven't ever received flowers or went to a romantic dinner. Be different. Casanova would cry if he saw where flirting and seduction came to.

 On the other hand if you don't take my advice... More women for people like me. Enjoy!

Dumb Cosmopolitan advice (part 2)

After some research I could honestly make 10 parts about how dumb Cosmopolitan is but I will just concentrate on the most extreme. Before I continue some told me that once in a while the advice is good. Yes, sometimes it might is. But even a broken clock is right twice a day. So I can say 98% of the advice is bullshit. For example:

"Don't be fooled by a guy who offers up tons of minor bits of information about where he's been or what he's been doing. At first, it may seem that because he can describe so much, he must be truthful. But he could actually be trying to cover his ass. 'If he's telling a story and you notice he's peppering it with insignificant details, that's a warning sign,' says Driver. 'This is especially true if you detect a lot of pauses, because it means he's trying to come up with more facts.' "

Sooo... When we don't share much it bugs you... and when we do we are liars... Great advice. But there is more my little Pokemon friends...

 

"Yes, maybe he's just extrahorny or you're looking extrahot, but a sudden surge in his sexual appetite can also be a sign that some thing's awry. 'A man who's hiding something won't want to connect emotionally through conversation because he's afraid if he does, he'll spill the secret,' says Krista Bloom, PhD, a psychologist in Florida. 'Instead, because he loves you, he'll look to fill that void by connecting with you physically.' But since various things can cause a spike in a guy's sex drive -- like an awesome shift in your relationship sparked by, say, getting engaged -- don't accuse him of anything without ruling out other explanations." 

Not too much sex is wrong... Too much sex is wrong... I am confused... Also the fact that this lady has a PhD is strange... And then you say I am the one generalizing... I will give you an explanation about him wanting more sex all of a sudden... New underwear, his team won the championship, he got a new item in World of Warcraft or simply because... oh dear Lord... he loves you?? Ladies we are men... Not so much to analyze. We are simple creatures.

Can it? Judging from the women that write these articles their problem is having too little sex... And I continue with:

" 'The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,' says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he's being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he's more evasive."

My friend JZ might have something to say about this. I think there is this word... ah.. yes, PRIVACY???? Just because I date a girl it doesn't mean she has free access to all my life. Deal with it. Ever thought I might be a Superhero or an international spy? I am keeping you safe for keeping you away from that part of my life...

" 'If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,' Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: 'If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.' "

Wow... being happy is a sin in a relationship it seems... Keep believing these and then wonder why no one approaches you in a 1km radius. So you got into a relationship with a miserable guy, you didn't change his mood, yet when he becomes happy because of whatever it's a bad sign? Great logic... Go Cosmogirls!

You thought I left the covers alone? You don't seem to know me enough... Upper left. "Guys answer your sexiest sex qs". Sexiest sex...? Seriously? Overcompensating much from the lack of sex? And who are these guys? What are their qualifications? Say one of them is into feet, (no hard feelings) is his advice any good to the rest of the guys that have no such fetish? I think not!

"Naughty thoughts he has at work". First of... Why do you think I have different thoughts in work from the ones I have in the house? When I am at the office I think of big boobs while when I go to my house I think of perfect round butts? Seriously who thinks of these???

"What your Va-Jay-Jay is dying to tell you". Wanna know? "Stop reading bullshit magazines and go out and get laid before the sand becomes rock in your VJJ! I wont even comment on the VJJ thing.

"Go Naked". Now with that I agree. Keep this as an advice. No need to even browse the rest of the magazine. See? this was the 2% of solid advice.

So Dumb People Annoy Me blog gives you the answer to your main question of why you buy Cosmo:

Thank me later. I 'll wait...

Woman's logic... (part 1)

Since my last post was a bit insensitive to men, I think it's time to fix this. I will now be insensitive to women. I love women. Well OK, most of them, but it's hard as hell to understand them sometimes. Add to that, the "difficult" weeks of the month and you have the DaVinci code set to God mode difficulty.

What I mean? Most of you interact with women daily. Some of you don't. When was the last time you had a woman call you out of the blue maybe at 2 in the morning and start saying something with such a dramatic tone of voice and so much passion and emotion that you think it must be the end of the world? And since you have a job you were probably sleeping by that time. She called you at 2 in the morning... So it must be important... It isn't. And this is because this happened to me last night. But let me explain...

Women always say that their intuition and emotional compass is extra-ordinary compared to men. Yet when they get into a relationship (most of the time with the wrong person), they forget that intuition. You have probably all heard this:

"I can't stand him anymore... He is abusive/jerk/arrogant/etc, and he cheated on me/flirts with other girls/etc."

Now any guy will make the mistake of giving advice. Because that's what we do when we talk to each other. We discuss a problem so we can solve it. Women don't do that. They discuss a problem to get sympathy and get it out there. They don't let something like logic ruin their day...

So when I was younger I'd say: "Well break up". And the answer back then would make me go "WTF?" but now I don't get any answer because when a woman tells me something I go like: "I see, hope you 'll be OK..." . (To the women that know me, I don't do that with you... I really care... Really!...")

And what is the answer all men get? Either "I 'll break up with the pig" and the next day you will see them together smiling... Or "But he is a nice guy..." translation for the women illiterate "He is good at sex" or "Who wants to be single, it took me 2 years to find his dumb ass".

Thing is I don't mind women coming to me with their problems... I have many people to direct them to. Jesus is one of them but even he has some tolerance levels. My problem is the timing and that women that know me should know that I don't care about their sex life... unless it includes me of course. I care if they are healthy and... well at least OK psychologically, but telling me why their loser boyfriend is a jerk and next day they are OK... Not my style. I have more important things to do... Feed my lizard, give a haircut to my turtle, catch up with the latest news in Madagascar and so on...

So here are some things I heard and read on the Internet that have women's logic all over them.

"Capre Diem" on her Facebook status... Playing Farmville 10 hours every day...

What you play WoW (World of Warcraft)? Loseeeeer!!! Then go and play Farmville for the next 10 hours...

Girl beats you up at something, then says "Haha you got beaten by a girl!!" 

Equality between men and women. "He pays for everything though".

Posts on Facebook: "I am so mad right now!!!". Someone asks "why?". Her response... I don't wanna talk about it...

Men bond over women... Women also bond over other women... Like this:

Dave Chappelle the comedian said this: "Me and my buddies see this girl outside a bar and she looks fine... Not in the traditional way... Half her ass is hanging out of her skirt, her boobs are mashed together popping out of the turtleneck and one of my buddies screams: OMG look at those titties! The girl of course comes there and says that just because she is dressed that way, it doesn't make her a whore. And Dave says... that she is right... just because they dress a certain way it doesn't mean they are a certain way but women you have to understand, that it is fucking confusing.

Imagine me, Dave Chappelle walking down the street in a cop uniform. Someone might come up to me and say "Thank God officer, come with me, please help us." And I 'd say "Ooooh just because I am dressed this way, does not make me a police officer"... So girls this is what happens when you wear a whore's uniform... We get confused."

So when you go out dressed in a way that you know men will notice you... Ignoring them just to feel well is just wrong... 

I actually thought I 'd finish this in one post but you are in luck... I won't. 

"But you only made one post for men... You are a sexist pig!"

Sue me...