Funny iphone messages (part 1)

I always say that when you do something stupid, at least don't leave evidence behind. Meaning if you are a bit not sure about your intelligence, stay away from cameras, mobile phones etc... Anything you do or say can and will be used against you... I am sure some of you after a party you can't sleep just because you don't remember what you did last night and there were cameras flashing all over the place... So you don't want to be tagged in some facebook photo trying to kiss a 60 year old woman...

Have no fear. Apple made it possible to take screenshots of your phone! This combined with the HIGHLY (ehem...) sophisticated auto correct... equals lots of win (and fail for those involved). But I know most of you will say that I blame technology for our mistakes. And you are of course right. I will also post some messages that even blaming the auto correct function won't save them face... So here goes!

I really hope this wasn't intended as a phone interview because you just fucked up... On another note you might make some money from suing Apple... Who knows!

Well one way or another... you need to get your protein right?

No idea if I should laugh or be disgusted..?

I 'd probably perform Harakiri after this...

Whoever send this, I only have one word for you... Respect!

Hey bro... every day it's vagina day... for more reasons than one... But you can't get a vacation all the time!

Don't you just hate it when you have a bad case of the manboobs especially on Monday?

You started it! Although I don't get why fucking her brother is worse than fucking the other girls boyfriend... I don't get women... Hell they don't get themselves most of the time...

Iphone is retarded...

Imagine the phone finds more likely to use the words crack pipe instead of Creme pie...

And they call me cocky...

More tomorrow!

Things to look forward to in 2012

New year's eve at last. The highlight of the previous year for the whole world must have been how the Euro fucked up so hard that we actually had corporations lending countries so they can lend banks so they can lend other corporations to fund the countries that lend the banks of the corporations that.... OK that makes no sense I know. But guess what! The whole crisis makes no sense so fuck that.

So there are some things I look forward this year. 2012!

• At last the world will end! Yes there! I SAID IT! It's been a fun ride folks but after 3000 years I feel I saw it all. Genocides, natural disasters, the dark ages, wars, betrayals, the same religion broken down to 100 others, women and men not getting along and so on. I mean I see the same movie for like 3000+ years. This is my stop. Stop the earth, I wanna get off (metaphorically and literally). And then some smart people find a Mayan calendar and what is their conclusion? If the calendar ends it means the world will end. Hey, smartass if this January we ended up blowing ourselves up and some alien civilization came in June and found a calendar for 2012 do you think they would assume that since the calendar ends on December that the world will end at that time? Mayans didn't update their calendar, get over it. Can we move on now?

• Update your friggin laws. Some of them were written when we were running around the world with horses and chariots. Isn't it about time to update em? 
• Microsoft and Linux, Android and Apple, Ferrari and Lamborghini. Come on people ,stop fighting with each other and make a product that doesn't suck. Humanity must move on. I don't have to buy all the junk you have to offer me when you already have invented something better for the sake of how Marketing works. Want an example? I used to own a hard drive that cost 100 euros back in the day. Capacity? 100 MB. Now with the same money I can buy 1 TB. Don't tell me you didn't have the hint of technology back then. You are the reason we don't explore the galaxy by now. 
• I love animals more than anything. More than humans in fact. BUT in case you didn't know most of your pets are manufactured. What I mean? Do you think in ancient Egypt they had those tiny dogs we have today? I doubt it. So how we have them today when they didn't evolve from something? Food for thought. Pets are an industry today. Don't feed it. Having one pet I can understand. If you are the lady with the 100 cats or 20 dogs you have issues. Get over them and leave the poor animals for someone that can take care of them.
• CERN, Space program, etc. There are people in many countries that have no food to eat because your global economy fucked em up. Stop spending money in stupid shit that you can do when you have feed all the people on the earth. I am sure space and the boson particle can wait a decade. 

• Sorry for this it might sound harsh but if you have no food to eat, and you can't give your kids the basic things for their survival why you bring them in this world? 
• Ethnic pride. That's a great one! Just because you were born in a country you are proud about it. "I am a Greek, I am proud!", "I am a German, I am proud of it.". How the hell can you be proud about something you didn't achieve by yourself? It's like saying I am proud that I breath oxygen! Good for you. How come you are only proud about the good things your country did and not for all of its history. Oh come on, don't tell me you can't think of anything. Greeks for example had Efialtis that in the fight of the 300 in the Thermopules (and not the Hot Gates...) betrayed the other Greeks. So feeling proud about him too?
• People and their resolutions. Why make a list of things you will do this year, when you will probably only do them for the next month if you are lucky and then forget about it? You people probably use the same list every year. Stop writing shit and do them.

• Men and women should start getting along at some point. I know you are insecure and you have the need to flaunt your peacock feathers (your sports car and your boobs respectively), but for the rest of us you just seem pathetic. Stop flirting for 5 years and get to the point where you have sex. Do all of us a favor. Unless you are dumb. Then have sex but use a condom... permanently. We don't need more stupid people, thank you.

So these are some of the things I look forward to. That and a cure for stupidity... But that's just far fetched...

Happy New Year and thank you for being with me these past 3 months!

Facebook Sucks (Part 2)

• Steal your profile and upload it, as their own. Yes I am talking to you curious man that you just wanna pretend being a girl to see what men say to them, to pick them up or you just wanna have fun with the rest of the dumbass men. Funny thing is, when 2 men that pretend to have female profiles start talking. One of them is bound to play the lesbian and the other one says "wow a girl wants to have fun with another (?) girl! Let’s see where this goes". It is gay no matter how you see it. I swear for every 5 facebook profiles there is at least one fake.
• Many thought I was making too much fun of women in part 1 so I’ll make it up to you! I hate when men (mostly) break up and start whining how women are sluts and there are no honest women. Then they post statuses like: “Another lonely night with a bottle of Vodka thinking of you”, “Who needs you when I can get any woman I like” (which is why most men end up with their ex’s after a reasonable time… because they can’t get laid if their life depended on it), “I can’t believe how I lost you” and many more. Now don’t get me wrong but… I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOUR DATING LIFE! Especially when I know most of the times it was your fault! (I’ll get to this in another post). Stop fighting in other people’s comments and stop trying to hurt each other in front of innocent bystanders.
• The next category is something you all know:

• This happens especially when some random dude from the girl with the 5000 friends makes a “dirty” comment on a pic of hers and her boyfriend comes to her rescue… Seriously guys? After fighting in the wild with wild animals, thousands of years of wars and this is where testosterone ended up? I’ll hurt you behind a screen? Here’s an idea. Meet up, break each other’s faces and then post pics in facebook and before you do we’ll put bets on each of you. Although this will end up in another tough guy dialog “I wasn’t wearing my lucky boxers when I faced you”, “My mother was in the hospital and I wasn’t in the mood to fight”, “My little grasshopper was sick at home” and so on…
• Next thing that pisses me off… Well they say a picture is worth thousand words so:
  
  
  Come on people no one wants to see these… Not to mention the poor girl/dude that you tagged without his knowledge and he/she is toast till she logs in again to remove the tag. Don’t try to make bulimic with the stupid shit you upload. There is always the finger in the mouth.
• Facebook became the best detective since it was created. Wanna see where your gf/bf is? Log on facebook. Is he/she in? Is he/she active? Nice. What about your friend that said he’ll be out in a date or with a group of people you don’t know? Did he just say this to avoid you? Nice… Are you a lady’s man? You ended up going out this week with 3 different women? But one of them posted on your wall “I had a great time yesterday” when you said to the other two that yesterday you were ill and in bed…? Nice… I can move on but you get the drill. Funniest thing and the most representative example of a dumb person:

• This is a mostly about women but some “men” do it too… Do you remember these people that get so excited when they find a new man/girl? Their facebook looks like rainbows and little ponies and butterflies… “We will always be together”, “I love you so much”, “you are the one” and so on. And don’t get me wrong (again), I have no problem with people sharing how much they love each other. But they can do it in inbox, in the streets, in one status a day, in their walls, in their pictures, in space and so on. Not flood other people’s streams with your “love”. We know who you are. We know you’ll say the same in the next guy/girl you’ll meet and you did to the 7 previous guys/girls before this one. And when you are 17-18 please we all been there. Chances are you won’t remember his/her name in 4-5 years.

-=End of Part 2=-

Failbook (Part 1)

I used to have a facebook page... and then I grew up and filled any insecurity holes I had. Because let's face it, this constant quest for approval, self hate and love, making people see how lucky or well unlucky you are, seeking envy and compassion, trying to find a date in a secure(?) environment for both men and women for different reasons and many more, has its roots in stupidity and insecurity.

But let's analyze things with my flawless logic and common sense which nowadays tends to be a super power:

• Why else would you start posting in your facebook page "Wow I had so much fun today.", "This chick was all over me", "All men love me and I can walk all over them" and so on. I call that insecurity. Especially when I know 9 out of 10 times the person that writes it, lies, is on the verge of depression, hasn't had sex since the last Olympic Games and tries to show the world how great his/her life is before he/she starts crying on his/her empty bed.
• Women (mostly) that change their relationship status faster than the speed of light. I swear I used to know girls that were single/in a relationship/complicated/engaged/divorced is a matter of few hours... Seriously? First off I don't care. I don't care if you are in a relationship, you fucked 2 more guys and it became well... complicated and then your boyfriend asked you to forgive him for...  whatever he did to displease your royal vagina so you were forced to have a threesome with his boss and his best friend. And when you didn't forgive the "asshole" (he was a bad person after all... he couldn't talk to you about your period while he was in a meeting in his job, so he deserved it) for cheating on you, because that's what you ll tell your girlfriends to sympathize with you, you end up being married with one of your female friends. At least that gives us some "material" for the night... And speaking of material:
• Facebook porn. Well not yet, but softcore is as close to it as it can get. I don't know if you have looked at the pic posts on facebook (who do we both kid right?) but the pics especially in summer time compete against softcore porn websites and eventually win because of the homemade/amateur element. Now don't get me wrong I enjoy the eye candy but when it goes from this:

        to this:

• then its sick and obvious that facebook has other ehm... "hidden" uses. And don't tell me these girls didn't give permission for the pics etc. When you upload something on the web you automatically give permission to everyone to use it. I especially enjoy women in relationships that upload pics like that and then bitch about how people don't respect her relationship for making comments like: "wow nice boobs/ass babe", "your bf is so lucky but if you break up I am here" (can you be more desperate?), "smokin bod", "Take the top/bottom up" and many cute comments like these. You don't respect your own relationship and you expect others to do so? As for their boyfriends... Seriously bro a leash sounds like a good idea when she acts like that. Or some spanking but hell she ll probably enjoy it. And of course this last example is possible because of:
• Girls with 12 profiles that each have 5000 friends. I can't remember my facial expression when a girl I met asked me to add her on fb and see told me to search her with the letter c in the end... I of course searched without it only to find she had 3 profiles. the first two with 4989 friend each and the second was on the 4000. I don't have to say I didn't add her. Now that I remembered my expression must have been like this:

So to go back to my previous example, with girls in a relationships that add so many people that they can't filter who can post in their semi nude pics... I can't feel sorry for you, but I can laugh and delete you.

Move bitch...

For some reason people say I am evil because I say people are dumbasses. Ok not all… and I say that because every time I say “People, animals, women, men etc are this and that someone will come up and say: I am not like that or you generalize or not everyone is like that… Ok my smart friends, when I say this I mean the 95% of the population. Obviously when I say people are dumbasses although I am included in the word “People” I exclude myself since I am the observer. I don’t care about the 5% which only shows I am right because every rule has its exceptions. When I say something I mean the 95% of the rule.

One example I can mention is that today it’s raining… Some people go out with umbrellas and some don’t. Can someone explain to me why the fuck people with umbrellas walk under shit that stop the rain and leave the people that don’t have umbrellas move around them and go through the rain? Why when we walk wherever we never think of others?

Another example? Escalators in the Metro. The good lady in the speaker says: Please when on the escalator stand in the right side of it. I try to go somewhere fast… and while EVERYONE stands in the right some dumbass stands on the left. Ok, let’s say you didn’t listen to the announcement don’t you see that everyone is on the friggin right side? Are you the smartest, unique person that happened to stand on the left side? I just wanna sneak behind you and scream: MOVE BITCH GET OUT OF THE WAY as Ludacris says. Think of the other people ffs.

One more example that pisses me off. Narrow pavement, street etc. People suddenly stopping and I am about to fall on them… Or moving so slowly that people around see us like we are in a slow motion replay. I don’t mind you moving slowly. I mind you moving slowly in the middle of the street where I can’t pass you.

Wow I thought I ‘d be out of material when I started this but they kept coming… Till next time… 

MOVE BITCH GET OUT OF THE WAY